“34 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—36 a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’”
A common misunderstanding of Christianity—and discipleship—is that it should be a comfortable, peaceful experience where everyone is appreciative and accepting. Jesus corrects this wrong thinking immediately.
The Coming of the Sword (v. 34)
This is a difficult statement, a paradox, because the Old Testament calls Christ the “Prince of Peace,” and the angels announced His birth saying, “on earth peace, goodwill toward men.”
- Christ’s Intentional Coming: Jesus emphasizes that He “came” into this world, suggesting His pre-existence and intentional entry for a specific reason.
- The Nature of Peace: Jesus did not come to bring social, political, or worldly peace. While He brought peace with God (Romans 5:1) and peace in the heart of the believer (“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you” – John 14:27), His presence and message in a sinful world cause conflict.
- The Meaning of the Sword: The sword is a figure of conflict and division. Jesus is not giving His followers a justification for violence; in fact, He rebuked Peter for using a literal sword (Matthew 26:52). This sword is the Gospel itself, which divides people who were previously living in comfortable unity. The fact that some confess Christ and others deny Him means Christ’s coming causes divisions.
- As Martin Luther said, “If our gospel were received in peace by all, it wouldn’t be the true gospel.”
- The Disciple’s Mission: Jesus is warning His ambassadors that their experience will not be peaceful but characterized by tribulation (John 16:33). The intervention of God in history through Christ will split and fracture the world. Do not be under the illusion that everyone will respond and join you. This division is God’s will; it separates the sheep from the goats and the grain from the chaff.
Division in the Family (v. 35-36)
The most painful and extreme expression of this division occurs in the home, striking right at the most meaningful relationships.
- The Fulfillment of Prophecy: Jesus quotes Micah 7:6, saying, “For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.'”
- Cutting Asunder: The phrase “set a man against” is a rare word that means “to cut asunder” or to separate totally. Christ’s commitment may require a disciple to be totally cut off from a non-believing family member. He extends the fracture from the immediate family to the family by marriage.
- The Cost: The home is the place where we seek rest, intimacy, and understanding; division there is the worst possible rending. It goes against our natural affection and love for our family. However, Jesus makes it clear that this division is a strangely normal experience for His followers.
- The Mark of a Disciple: A true disciple is one who is willing to pay this price. He won’t cling to those family relationships to the extent that it compromises his commitment to the Lordship of Christ.
The Third Mark of a True Disciple: Supreme Loyalty (Matthew 10:37-39)
The inevitable conflict created by the “sword” of the Gospel leads directly to the third essential mark of a genuine disciple: Supreme Loyalty to Jesus Christ.
Loving Christ Above Family (v. 37)
Jesus demands that His disciples’ commitment to Him must surpass their most fundamental human ties:
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
- The Demand for Supremacy: Jesus is not forbidding love for family; He is demanding that our love for Him be supreme. If that love is not supreme, it proves we are not worthy of Him (meaning, we are not a true, genuine disciple).
- Hating Family (by Comparison): The parallel passage in Luke 14:26 expresses this as hating one’s family, which is a powerful Hebrew figure of speech for loving less or preferring one above another. Our love for Christ must be so absolute that all other loves seem like hatred by comparison.
- The Conflict of Wills: When a family member (father, mother, son, or daughter) demands that we choose between them and our commitment to Christ’s teachings or commands, the choice of the true disciple is clear.
Taking Up the Cross (v. 38)
“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”
- The Mark of Death: In that era, the cross was not a piece of jewelry; it was a rough wooden beam carried by a condemned criminal to the place of his execution. It was a symbol of shame, suffering, and death.
- Daily Self-Denial: To “take up their cross” means to embrace a life of daily self-denial and willingness to endure hardship, suffering, and even death for Christ’s sake. It means abandoning self-will and accepting the path of obedience, no matter the pain or shame it brings.
Losing Life to Find It (v. 39)
“Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”
- The Paradox of Life: This is the ultimate cost-counting paradox of discipleship.
- To “find one’s life” means to cling to one’s present, comfortable, self-directed existence, prioritizing personal safety, comfort, and worldly ambition over Christ. The result is the loss of eternal life.
- To “lose one’s life” for Christ’s sake means being willing to sacrifice one’s earthly comfort, security, ambitions, and even physical life (as the Ugandan martyrs did) for the sake of following Christ. The result is the finding of eternal life and true, lasting existence.
Jesus is not an addition to our normal life; He is all of our life. Discipleship is the radical, risky, all-consuming following of Jesus Christ, and every true disciple must seriously count this cost.
Do you believe you have fully embraced the truth that following Christ will inevitably bring a sword of division into the world and into your most intimate relationships?
As you might remember, Jesus experienced this firsthand. Even His own brothers did not believe in Him and opposed Him (John 7:2-9). And even His own people thought He was out of His mind and sought to lay hold of Him (Mark 3:21). Some of you have experienced this firsthand as well; as have I. It is a very painful reality. I remember what a sword it brought into my family; it cut me off from close friends, a very near friend, my mother, and my sister. In a way, I should say it scattered our family, but we should be willing to accept it.
Verse 36 says: “A man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” If someone comes to Christ and their family members do not accept Christ, they will turn against us and become enemies to us concerning the gospel. Earthly love may be a worse foe to a true Christian. It has been the greatest enemy for many souls and has sent many people to hell: “If my father doesn’t come, I will not,” or “If my husband won’t, I will not come.” The Lord warns of the danger of this undue love.
That is true. Christ came to bring a sword, and the sword falls in the house. In the pagan households of Jesus’ day, the life of the family centered around the worship of false gods. Every member of the family had a part in that worship. Can you imagine how divisive it was when one of the members became a follower of Jesus Christ? Such a person, out of devotion to the Savior, would have to denounce any relationship to the worship of that false god. They would have to declare that they are following the true God; and in doing so, they would be declaring that the whole family was following a false god. In many ancient households, this was tantamount to severing one’s self from the family and setting one’s self up as an enemy! To follow Jesus in such a situation is to experience the kind of division He is talking about.
Have you felt this sword in your life? Some of us have that painful experience where we have had to leave very close ones. Close ones will not talk to us because we followed Christ. They would be happier if we were an alcoholic, a robber, a criminal, or even had an accident and lost a hand or leg; this is much worse. The whole village spat on me. It is because of this sword that the Lord says this will happen.
John Bunyan was told to quit preaching, but he said, “I cannot quit preaching because God has called me to preach.” They said, “If you preach, we’ll put you in prison.” And so he said to himself, “If I go to prison, who cares for my family?” But how can I close my mouth when God has called me to preach? And so he committed his family to the care of God, was obedient to the call of God, and preached, and they put him in prison. Since then, he has blessed millions of families because it was there that he wrote Pilgrim’s Progress.
Listen to what he said: “The parting with my wife and poor children hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling of the flesh from my bones; and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all I have besides. O, the thought of the hardship I thought my blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces…But yet, recalling myself, thought I, I must venture all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you; O, I saw in this condition, I was a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet thought I, I must do it, I must do it.”
During the time of Bloody Mary, some preachers, whose wives and eleven children would come and cry, “Father, father, don’t go,” would say, “No, my wife, dear children, I cannot recant my Lord who died for me.” They left their family, hated their family (by comparison), and went to fulfill their calling. That is the mark of a true disciple. I pray to God I never have to make that decision, don’t you? And for some of us, it doesn’t have to be, but for some of us, it may. Some of you have had to make a choice. The one who says, “I’m not willing to make that sacrifice,” isn’t genuine.
And then verse 37: “If you love your father or your mother more than Me, you’re not worthy of Me.” Reversing it, “If you love your son or daughter more than Me, you’re not worthy of Me.” You cannot be My disciples is what He is saying. You cannot receive the salvation I offer if your family means more than I do. You must make that break.
Here, Jesus lets His followers know that He demands to have the first place of love in their lives. This is a very high demand of love. These words describe the closest human relationship of family bond that we can imagine. Looking backward, we naturally feel a bond of devotion to the father and mother who gave life to us (and by implication, our grandfather and grandmother). Looking forward, we naturally feel a bond of devotion to our sons and our daughters (and by implication, their sons and daughters). We even feel a devotion to these family relationships over any other earthly thing. We rightly say, “Blood is thicker than mud.”
But we can let our devotion to our family supersede our devotion to Jesus in many ways. If we do, as Jesus Himself says, we are not “worthy” of Him. The parallel passage, Luke 14:26, says: “If any man cometh unto Me, and hateth not his own father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” When I quote that, I always fear someone might be thinking, “Well, what do you know? I’ve been obeying the Bible all along! I can’t stand my family!” Of course, Jesus isn’t commanding us to “hate” our family members in a literal sense. The paradox here is that husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25). The Bible commands we should love our family and care for their needs. However, when compared to the love we have for Him, our love for our family should seem like hate. What He is telling us is that, when it comes to a choice being made—if we are forced into a position in which we must choose between following Jesus or appeasing the objections of our family, between family or obeying Christ—we should always obey Christ. We must always place Christ above in our affections and choose Jesus every time. Our love for Him must be so complete and supreme that it makes any other love look like “hate.”
This is not easy. The bond of love within individual families has no comparison in our society. It is very precious. Many of our youth will discover that school friends that they love so dearly today will fall off the radar screen of their lives five and ten years down the road. But not family. Family love sticks through thick and thin, prosperity and poverty, health and sickness. We value such love, and rightly so. But what our Lord reminds us is that loving Him surpasses even that of family love.
Who can demand such love? Why does He demand such love? Is it not He who created families, father, and mother? But because of who He is, He is worthy of our supreme love and all relationships. He alone can be justified in demanding foremost and supreme love, or else we cannot be His disciples.
How can it be justified?
- The Ancientness of His Love: He loved us before we had any father or mother. He loved me longer than any father or mother or wife. Before the foundation of the world, He set His love on me. He loved me longer than before my dad ever knew or loved me, or my mother loved me.
- The Everlasting Duration of His Love: He will love me longer than all the loves of the world. All earthly relationships end here. But He says, “Yes, I have loved thee with everlasting love. Mountains may depart, hills may be removed, but My love will not change.” It originated in eternity before time began, and it will continue even after time is gone.
- The Depth of His Sacrifice: He laid down His life for my sake. No father or mother did that for me. My wife I love, but she didn’t die. He alone bore the eternal judgment of God against me, felt the pains of Hell for me, accounted me as a sinner to be righteous in view of His merits, and secured my relationship to God. This exceeds even the preciousness of family love.
- His Ongoing Intercession: He continues to work even today that I may be protected from all my enemies and safely reach Him. He ever lives to make intercession for us, interceding and carrying out the purposes of God. When I stumble and fall into sin, He speaks a good word for me and brings me peace and a clear conscience because of His intercession. No one else in the world can do that for me. We owe our foremost love to Him.
Another reason for this is that putting our love anywhere else will lead us astray. Why does Christ tell us, “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me?” He actually presses upon us the practical nature of being a disciple of Christ by this statement. This is where many show they are not true disciples. The gospel is not an invitation to mere knowledge of Christ. It is a change in the affections toward Christ. Love is the fountain and chief of all other affections.
Our life and most of our actions are controlled by what we love most. Most of us love for family is more important than love for Christ, and we are willing to compromise Christ for family; that is the danger. To love Him less than “father or mother… son or daughter” implies that the chief of our affections abides outside of Christ, and that He is not the center and focus of our affections. When that is the case, we will not value obedience to Him above our family or our own pleasure, nor will we find worshiping Him to be our supreme delight. Christ’s words make an assessment of the status of our Christianity. If we do not love Him supremely, then we lack the grace and faith to follow Him and to persevere through opposition. So, He demands our supreme affections for Christ.
Few Examples that illustrate this truth:
- Remember Luke 9:61-62, where a guy was going to follow Jesus but said, “First let me go home and bid farewell to my family.” Jesus said, “No man having put his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the kingdom.” Jesus said, “I’m not going to accept you,” because, “You’re too attached to your family. You’ll never make the break. You’ll never pay the price.”
- There was the man who came to Jesus wanting to be one of His disciples. He told Jesus, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” It may not be that his father was even dead yet, but the man felt a tie to his father that was stronger than his tie to Jesus. Jesus said, “Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead” (Matthew 8:21-22). Jesus was, in effect, telling the man, “You are still placing your concern for your father over Me. Until you make your love for your father secondary to your love for Me, you cannot be a follower of Mine. I am the Lord of life! You follow Me; and let those who do not follow after life take care of lesser things!” Following Jesus comes first above all else, even above our commitment to our earthly fathers.
Thousands and thousands of people fail here. There are wives who will not come to Christ for fear of separation from their husband. There may be husbands who will not come to Christ for fear of separation from their wives. There are children who will not come to Christ for fear of their fathers or mothers, and vice versa. People who will not take a stand for Christ because they want to maintain that family thing. But Jesus said, the true disciple will hate and even forsake his family for My sake. Now, it doesn’t have to be that way, but when the test comes, this will be the test.
In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, it tells us how this comes right into a Christian marriage. Paul was writing to give them instructions about marriage and about situations in which a man or woman becomes a follower of Jesus Christ from out of a pagan culture, but their spouse does not. He wrote that if you have an unbelieving wife, and she wants to stay with you, don’t divorce her. And if you women have an unbelieving husband who wants to stay with you, then let him stay. Because there’s a sanctifying that occurs. But what happens when the unbelieving spouse refuses to follow Jesus and demands that the believer choose between them or Christ? Paul wrote, “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15-16). That is the other side of it. Once the sword falls, then God’s called us to peace, and if he wants out, let him out. In other words, the believer is not to try to cling to an unwilling, unbelieving spouse at all costs. If it comes down to a choice between even a spouse and the Lord, the follower of Jesus is to choose the love of the Lord over even the love of the spouse. It is going to happen.
Applications
These are hard words, aren’t they? But Jesus is letting us know in advance that He demands to hold the first place in our love, even above family relations. What about you? If He holds out His hand to you and says, “Will you follow Me? Then to do so, you must love Me more than all else. You must give Me first place over even the love and devotion you have to your closest family relationships; and then follow,” will you obey Him? Will you love Him that much? Is Christ so much higher in your love that your love for family seems like hate? The real disciple will even forsake his family if it has to be. If you don’t have that, you are not His disciple.
This passage puts me to shame. It reveals that I don’t yet love Jesus as much as He demands that I love Him. I suspect that every one of us here this morning feels convicted by His words in the same way. Think deeply about this; examine your hearts. Why do you not regularly obey Christ, even in simple things like daily prayer, reading, and attending church, and in big issues? Is it not because your love is placed somewhere else?
And so, let’s agree to admit before Him that we are not yet where we should be with Him. Let’s admit that we are falling short of His demands of love. But let’s also agree together to this one life-changing desire: that we want Him to change us. Let’s resolve together that we will look to this passage and allow the Holy Spirit to strip away from us the things that we love too much. Let’s resolve together to be taught by the Spirit to set the Lord Jesus apart as the supreme love of our lives. This passage calls us to commit ourselves fully to Christ. I do not believe He is looking for perfection in our love, but I do believe that He is expecting from us a whole-hearted willingness to be changed by Him into the people He wants us to be. We really have no right to claim to be His followers, disciples, unless we are willing to be made into a people who love Him above every other love in our lives.
This should make us love the church more and grow in loving one another. Because God does not give souls to a church where there is no love. They all come having paid a heavy cost in their family, shunned by the world because they followed Christ. The believer finds relational refuge among his brothers and sisters in Christ. This is one reason why Christ wanted His church to be filled with love.
But we can let our devotion to our family supersede our devotion to Jesus in many ways. Providing for family cannot be more important than obeying Christ. Many use Christ for the family, but the true believer will be ready to hate the family for Christ.
So the first sign of a disciple is no fear of men. The second sign is unashamed confession of Christ in the world. The third is hating his family (by comparison). This is because the disciple discovers an ever-growing, matchless love of Christ in his spiritual journey. It is one thing to say I love Christ more than my family, but it is quite a different thing to see the reality of that love displayed practically. May God help us to display that love.
Grace Reformed Baptist Church, Bangalore 